I Go First: What 33 Taught Me About Power, Love & Letting Go

Turning 34

33 has been such a hard year, filled with tests, death and rebirth moments, and being stretched beyond my capacity. I’ve had to face childhood wounds I thought I’d healed, ride a rollercoaster through my business, and yet, beautifully, I’ve built a community, become hugely visible, and felt the most supported I could have ever asked for by my friends and family. It reminds me of the 3 of Cups in tarot — community and connection have definitely been the beautiful themes woven through the lessons. And like every year, I’m writing this to show you the depth and rawness of truly living.

I think we get caught up in the external, in what it looks like, but that never shows the full picture. I always try my best to share what I’m actually moving through in my blog and podcast because I never want anyone to feel like I’ve got it all figured out, because I don’t. What I do know is how to listen to myself, how to listen to the Universe, and how to move in the kindest way for me. That has been the most important part of my growth, because I used to be so hard on myself.

Throughout my 20s, I was my own worst critic, pushing myself to the absolute limit and almost breaking myself physically and mentally, all as a distraction from feeling my feelings. Now, it looks very different. I sit with my emotions and cry if I need to. I embrace the discomfort, even when it feels like peeling my own skin off — vile at times — but if you don’t get used to that discomfort of stretching yourself, you’ll keep thinking you’re failing when you’re not. I actually call it “falling forward” now, because I’ve learned that every obstacle leads to another way.

And honestly, I think that’s the main problem with living in this society the comparison, the timelines, the brainwashing. You know what I’m talking about… that expectation that by 28 you should be married with kids, have a part-time job, and do Pilates. That’s just not how it goes, and the sad thing is unless you embrace your own timeline, your own version of success (what that looks and feels like for you) you’ll keep feeling behind. And don’t get me started on dating and meeting “the one.” Eye roll.

I’ll be honest, I do want to meet the one. My best friend is getting married for the second time this year (the day after my birthday, actually) and it did bring up that feeling of being behind. When my angel card-reading friend Emma read my cards in LA, she told me, “You are not alone.” At the time, I smiled and soaked up the LA energy, but in my sad moments, I realised that had been my undertone for so much of my life.

For years, I performed. Everyone saw the strength and the shine, but not the tears I cried each night. Most of my life, I felt alone. The beauty of healing is that I’ve learned to love myself, to meet my own emotional and physical needs. Now, when that feeling of loneliness creeps in, I ask myself: What do I need? Who do I want to speak to?

This year, in all my brokenness, my family and friends supported me far more than I’ve ever been supported in my life. Why? Because I asked for help. That power instantly shifted me into a feminine depth I’d never reached before and honestly, I feel like that is the lesson of 33: to be held. In numerology, 3 + 3 = 6, the number of love and connection, which is exactly what I experienced. And that’s huge for me, because in the past I would never have really let it in.

In fairness, the first half of 33 was amazing. I went to LA and delivered my Body Alchemy session. I spoke at Soul Speaks. I ran my 6-week Permission to Shine program for girls in two schools. I did twist my ankle which I now think was a sign I needed to ask for help, though at the time I still wasn’t. In January, I took on a VA, which was one of my best choices, she helped me cover more ground and plant seeds I trust are blooming in their own time.

But then, most of my clients rounded off in Feb/March and… March unleashed hell on me. Venus Retrogrades always get me, and this one was the beginning of the end of the old. And let me tell you, the old does not leave gracefully — it clings, it claws, and it tries to rip everything on its way out. It’s so uncomfortable. The only way to get through it is to let go, like Devil’s Snare in Harry Potter — the more you resist, the tighter it grips.

Since March, I’ve been tested with my car breaking down, funerals that forced me to heal my inner child’s abandonment wounds. I’ve had to learn to navigate my business as a Manifesting Generator — juggling my work with women and my work with girls. I’ve faced financial pressure. But I’ve asked for help. I’ve let people in. I haven’t done it on my own, and I haven’t had to.

And that’s the thing, life is meant to ebb and flow like the tide. There are seasons of stillness, seasons of chaos, and seasons where you feel like you’re walking through fire. More than anything, I want you to open yourself up, to love, to help, to support. You are not alone. You are not an island. And if you are, be like the Caribbean with access to other islands in the sun!

I’m in love with my journey, the hard, rocky paths, the uphill climbs. I always seem to take the bloody hard road, so it can be easier for you.

I go first. I call myself a leader because I go first. And so if you are in the trenches of your journey, take my hand and I’ll show you how to access your power. How to alchemise your story and make it your legacy.

In honour of my birthday next week (22nd August!), I’m reopening my most successful offering — Ignite Accelerator — 6 x 90-minute calls for just £2,222 or 2 x £1,200.

This is for the woman who values her time, is ready to rewrite her story, and own her power for good. If you are in apply here!

Who knows what 34 will hold? All I know is that I am divinely led and building a legacy. So whatever comes my way, I will move through it the only way I know how with grit and with grace. And actually, I’m fully ready for 34 to be even more amazing than I could imagine.

Love and light