Am I choosing this, or am I simply repeating what I know?
An chapter from my book.
One of the hardest truths I ever had to face was this: Just because I kept choosing something didn't mean it was actually my choice. Sometimes we repeat what is familiar so many times that it becomes our identity. I didn’t even realise that I was still subconsciously choosing survival. I don’t think anyone does until you're finally ready to choose differently.
The seeds of differently started to sprout for me at age 23 when I realised something wasn’t right, life still wasn’t going my way. During my time at University I faced huge financial struggles, I worked 4 jobs a day at the weekends because I needed to cover my costs that student finance kept defaulting (Looking back I can also see how much scarcity I was carrying in my thinking.), and as a by product of driving to west London from Kent everyday my car always breaking down - in my talks when I mention this I always speak on how the AA knew me by name (break down service for my non UK readers). And because of all the set backs and hardship, of course I saw it as another reason to keep pushing forwards, just another obstacle to move through.
I can ask myself now, in all that pushing and forcing, where was the glory? Honestly, I thought it would be in the jobs that came once I had graduated…
I was performing for an entertainment company whilst at uni, which was a great way to make decent money and also a taste of the industry but it didn’t feel enough, like I wasn’t fully utilising my training.
I went to 100s of auditions and found that for the majority of the jobs at that time (2012 to be exact), there were still biases to my height, body shape and my skin tone. I was told by one casting director that “if I upped my cardio and stopped doing weights and lost my curves I would be perfect”. I know you gasp now but here were many other times where I was cut the first round because I just wasn’t the right height or look. Did that stop me, of course it didn’t! Finally almost a year after graduating a friend I met at an audition put me in touch with a company she had worked for looking for entertainers, I certainly was not an entertainer at that point, I was stern and fierce and not that way inclined at all (you know bubbly), however I wanted a job abroad so bad I took it just to prove I could make something work, even when every part of me knew it wasn't right.
My first international job was in Greece, Faleraki it was awful, no one spoke English there was barely any dancing, they even moved me to another resort and still it was like the 2* experience of what I was excepting and what I was trained for. I did meet a lovely English family at the second hotel but I had a vision for myself and that wasn’t it. I was met with a choice, do I stay complete the contract and pretend it was all fine, or do I admit defeat and come home. I will add whilst I was out there I did get a cab into the main town and spoke to the local cabarets and bars asking if they needed entertainment because I was determined not to quit! Resilience or stupidity? We’ve all been there right, maybe you can relate staying for a promotion at a job you hate?
Luckily in my desperation, an opportunity arose, a casting site popped up they needed dancers in Pathos. This felt promising not like the end but a restart and so I flew home early and then flew to Cyprus a few days later. Can you see how my pride was leading me here, the point I felt I needed to prove my worth by accepting jobs that I didn’t feel overly comfortable with. I feel sad for that version of me, I was so blinded by ambition I didn’t realise how much I was sabotaging what I actually wanted and needed, let alone the fact I was completely ignoring my gut instinct, I did start to pay more attention to it from that point but now enough, thats the lessons though right!
Cyprus was a whole lot better, I was surrounded by trained dancers like myself, great guests and a beautiful hotel but the manager was a creep! And I couldn’t believe how many of the girls were accepting his behaviour and actually physically meeting his needs! I had heard about the “casting couch” but here I got to witness it first hand. At this point of my life I was so masculine in my energy that thankfully I repelled him. He made one subtle advance commenting inappropriately about my body and I shut it down, he knew I knew what he was about. Again, do I stay? How could I. I mean I'm passionate about injustice, I would have gone to war to defend others, but these girls were willingly accepting it. But not me. So again I found another way out. At the time I thought I was choosing ambition. Looking back...I was choosing familiarity.
My sister was in Aiya Napa so after another sneaky audition with no luck, I travelled to her. I did almost get a job in one of the nightclubs but it fell through. I was in Aiya Napa for 2 weeks and Paphos a month. I gave it my all, but this time I knew enough was enough. I was at rock bottom. I didn’t know where to go but what I did know was something had to give. I had to come home and choose differently.
Have you reached a point of no return in your life? Where have you accepted your fate and then realised there is another way? Is there a different choice you can make right now?
I actually remember to this day the kind people I met that wanted to help me and that offered compassion. If you are in a hard space now zoom out for one moment and look around you. Sometimes we want something so badly we are so tunnel visioned we forget to appreciate that we wasn’t/aren’t alone. At this rock bottom I really felt like I failed and no one cared or understood. As I reflect back I can see I was choosing the wrong direction like a magnet facing the - instead of the +. At every opportunity I was ignoring divine intervention, until I couldn’t. Interestingly thats what happened through every major initiation in my life. The universe has literally halted me before I found another way through! Thank you universe!
I was 23 when I had no choice but to stop forcing the wrong dance jobs or the opportunities that weren’t right for me and I went back to journalling.
I discovered the ‘Magic' by Rhonda Byne. Funny enough, when I was 18 at uni in another depth of my soul, I actually met an amazing choreographer who recommended the ‘Secret’ I read it and I will say it did make a difference in my life. It made aware of my dominate thoughts for a short time, I was able to think more positively and I did begin to manifest, just a little. Now I did forget most of it but it definitely planted a seed.
Here at 23 gratitude become my focus and like a snowball I began to meditate, to journal and slowly the steps I needed became clear. Another massive shift was my step dad Ian came into our lives and that for me was the start of a newer, more feminine way of living. He didn’t treat me as the capable adult he treated me like a girl, like his daughter and honestly that was my first taste of what safety felt like, especially in the way he loves my mum. The shedding of my first layer of armour I believe began then.
Now I’m not saying having a man in your life to make you feel safe is the answer, its not, but it allowed me to surrender control because I knew someone even more capable than myself could handle things. From what I’ve explained from my own father you know I didn’t trust men. But Ian came in with no ego just a capableness and an open heart. I give him credit because I realise now just how important his role has been in my softening and internal safety.
I will say this chapter of my life was the most resistant, 18-23 was tough. I was trying to escape the prison I had made myself, with a spoon. It was only when I stopped and realised that I am pushing against the current and or that I literally got flung to the shore by the universe, that I awakened to the idea that, maybe there’s another way. In the stillness, meditation, gratitude I remembered who I was, what I loved and that was Hip Hop and Street Dance, that made me feel like me (sassy and fierce).
I would love to say thats when everything got easier but its not, its when I began to follow what was true for me over what other people said I should do, when I dropped my sword (yes I did pick up another one, it was smaller though!) and I stopped choosing the hard I always knew and chose the excitement of what I actually enjoyed. Which is scary right, to choose something that might be easier or fun? Where in your life right now are you choosing hard because it's familiar? Choosing to put up with something or running back into chaos over finding more ease because you still feel like you maybe don’t deserve it? I know that was me. I didn’t feel like ease belonged to someone like me, because I’d never seen it until I started to, in the glimmers of gratitude, seeing healthy love and healthy masculine energy through my stepdad and remembering the people that supported me in Europe.
Our brains are wired for safety and safety to our brains in what we grew up in. I grew up in uncertainty, managing other peoples emotions and over exerting myself and micro managing to prevent “danger". I received validation through being capable. Can you see how that has played out in my story so far? I’ve mentioned it before but we are only aware of 5% of our thoughts 95% is in our subconscious which means unless we not only learn but embed a new way of thinking and being through repetition will we start to create our life from that space.
Different is scary until you build up enough practice or muscle memory that it becomes your new normal. You will get there I promise. I am. (Its a continuous journey)
Reflection
What patterns am I repeating that are hindering me?
Am I ready to drop what once kept me safe?
Where in my life am I creating chaos?
Listen to my podcast episode Why peace feels uncomfortable for high achieving women here