Owning Your Vulnerability

We are a generation so wrapped up in how we appear. Physically and mentally. Why? Why are we so obsessed with appearing beautiful, or successful, or both? 

We apply filters that change the shape of our faces, and we only post the things that make us appear productive. 

What’s wrong with our faces just as they are? 

We are ALLOWED to have duvet days and days where we do nothing but sit around in our pants, so why do we feel so guilty for having them? 

Why are we are so ashamed of appearing vulnerable? 

Google defines vulnerability as “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”. 

I’m going to talk about emotional vulnerability… 

As a generation, we only want people to see our wins and not the trials and tribulations it's taken to get there. I must admit, I’ve been this person in the past. Being a Leo: by default, my pride steps in, and often this stops me from showing emotion or sharing my fails with the outside world.

I know now, that all the fails and hardships I’ve faced are what have made me into the person I am today. 

I am so grateful for my journey. 

“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations” - Zig Ziglar 

Ok, so its not just being a Leo that has made me so proud, let me take accountability here…

I mentioned in my first blog, ‘Things I’ve learned at 29’, that from a young age I stood up to become the man of the house. Nobody asked me to, but I saw there was a need for it, and I took it upon myself to step into that role. 

I am a tough cookie, and up until this year I was very stubborn and over opinionated. My friends are nodding! I also have a massive self-inflicted problem of trying to control things in my life. (Not people) Work loads, time management - that kind of thing. I mean being a self-employed performer there is a lot of uncertainty in general so, the things I can control, I do try to. Sometimes too much! 

Unfortunately for me, as people go, I am quite unlucky. Not in a negative/sabotage way, just by default, but I’ve learned to live with it and accept it! Ask my friends they will tell you! Haha! Got to laugh or I’ll cry - by cry I mean punch something…. *Disclaimer* violence is NOT the answer! :|

Like most people, my life has had a good few re-routes, but I can honestly say it’s only made my instincts sharper and increased my assertiveness. 

My best mate said she read this in a book .. She didn’t, its the quote I always say to her! “The universe only sends you, what it knows you can handle” - Sherisse 

What’s funny is that people have always said to me ,“What doesn’t kill you, will only make you stronger” - I didn’t think I could get much stronger but it turns out I can! 

I find it very hard to cry in front of people. I can explain an absolutely devastating situation with calm and poise. I’ve trained myself to detach. - This isn’t healthy but, it has been my survival tactic and thus far, its worked. I’ve recently had this conversation with a few of my different friendship groups. It turns out, only my 2 longest BFs have ever seen me cry and that was easily 10 years ago!

Looking back, I can see my masculine energy has dominated most of my life. People often think I’m crazy when I say this, as I appear very feminine, but in my head I’m a big ole’ Alpha! 

It took until this year to really see the error of my engrained ways, and the unhealthy habits that I had developed. This realisation was thanks to a guy I was dating, he broke it off, due to his own insecurities. - Looking at it now, it would never of worked - Being completely honest, his vulnerability put me off him and it was at that point I realised, I needed to have a word with myself! 

The fact that this guy was so honest about his insecurities was admirable, as men aren’t overtly emotional. - Once I noticed I’d seen his vulnerability as a weakness, this was a turning point for me.  

So, off I go on the journey to uncovering my own vulnerability. I must point out, this realisation was due to a conversation with my Aunt. - She is a foster carer and pointed out that my emotional habits were due to my childhood trauma. 

During that conversation, I told her I used to pray to be strong enough to hold my dad back and to support my family, to which she replied “that’s exactly what you’ve been doing your whole life. Not only are you mentally strong but physically you’ve changed your body too.”

It is important to realise that everything you are is a result of what you’ve experienced. As a human being you are shaped by your reaction to ‘flight or fight’. 

From my experiences and my Leo nature, I have always wanted to prove myself: my strength and my worth to others, instead of opening up, being vulnerable or even worse the emotional ‘victim’. 

Now, you can be a victim to emotion and feel hurt and sadness for a short period of time,  but you have to realise and accept that everything we do is a choice. You can choose to stay in an unhappy situation, or you can choose to move forward. As I’ve said before “you are not a tree, you are not planted or stuck”. 

More often than not, you cannot control the situation but you can choose how you react to it. 

Life, just like happiness is a journey - not a destination, so as my wise friend says “we move”.

Back to to vulnerability…

If you have not heard of Brenè Brown, I suggest you stop what you’re doing, put on Netflix and watch ‘Call to Courage’. It is life changing! My lovely friend - who also edits my blogs :) - recommended for me to watch it, just as I needed it - funny how everything aligns when it should ay! ;)

Dr Brenè Brown specialises in shame and vulnerability. Not only is she on Netflix, but she is an author to multiple books one of which is called ‘Daring Greatly’. She was made famous for her Ted Talks and Podcasts. Brenè works with the most successful companies in the world helping them reach their highest potential.

Brenè’s definition of vulnerability goes like this: “vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.”

Up until I watched Brenè’s Netflix special, I was certain vulnerability played no - or at most a very minuscule - part of my life. Since watching, I now realise it’s been the very making of me, and is in everything I do; In every audition, every workshop I teach, every time I step on stage and in fact, in every time I write a blog. I don’t know how any of it will turn out, I just love what I do enough and trust and believe in myself enough, to try. Which is all any of us can really ever do.

That’s all I ever ask of anyone I teach. Just try your best and it WILL be enough. You might even have fun whilst you at it!  

Where do we go from here you ask? Well …

It is about time we normalise not being ok all the time, we are all human and we all feel an infinite amount of different emotions - daily!

We also need to let go of this idea that being productive is the only way to be successful.  

Lockdown was prime example of this: some people stressed themselves out trying to look busy and some people just rode the waves!

Rest is, just as, if not more important than, whatever the task or job is. 

We are not put on this earth to work 'til we die! 

Enjoy what you can, when you can and if you can’t, remember that everything is constantly moving and changing - just like the phases of the moon. Somedays you’ll feel whole and others you won’t, and that is completely normal. - You don’t have to pretend to be ok if you’re not!

“Change is the only constant thing in this world.” - Ansh 

For me it’s all about balance. I am trying my best to open up by: accepting my divine feminine energy, ensuring my inner spiritual being is at a balance, at peace. I am still trying to release the need to control. I am reminding myself to feel and accept the moment for what it is and with that, acknowledging that some days might be more Yin than Yang. I do trust the timing of my life and I believe that everything will always work out as it should …

“What’s meant for you won’t pass you by” - Sarah Wilson

In conclusion, it all comes down to accepting yourself and understanding that perfect doesn’t exist. All you can ever do is give your best and I promise you, that whatever your best is, it’s enough. 

It is hard and it takes time, but stop worrying about what other people think of you and what their opinions are!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what people think of you is their business and not yours! My favourite line in ‘Call to Courage’ is “if you are not also in the arena, getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback” - Brenè Brown. 

With that being said, sometimes you don’t need to be in the arena slogging a gut. - But if you aren’t, don’t judge the people that are.

Vulnerability is the very making of who you are and it is what makes you special. Harness it and use it to propel you forward in the pursuit of your dreams. 

“You are the only You there is and that’s Your super power” - Sherisse. 

However you feel, Whatever you do, You are enough. 

You are powerful. 

You are strong. 

You are beautiful.

You are worthy of your dreams. 

Always remember to love yourself! As Ru Paul says “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”