The Irony of being the Single Friend

Don’t get me wrong - as I’ve said a million times - I am 100% happy on my own and I have accepted the fact that I might be alone for the rest of my life. If that means not having to put up with a smelly bloke in my bed forever I am absolutely ok with that! 

Please also note, as I’ve said before: being alone and being lonely are two different things entirely. 

Although I have dated a bit in my time, I have officially been single as in - not someones girl friend since the age of 17…. You do the math! 

This entry is purely based on my own experience. You yourself, might be lucky enough to not have experienced this and you might think I’m crazy … although I can confirm, that is also true!

There is such a joy to being single: the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. You can eat what you want, wear what you want and most importantly - fulfil your own needs. All without having to consider what anyone else wants to do. If any man tells you what to wear who isn’t your father, and you are over the age of 18, that’s a big fat red flag and you need to get rid of them ASAP! 

Please keep your misogynistic views to yourself because quite frankly, if the men I’ve met were honest and did what they said they were going to do I wouldn’t be single. - Based on my experience, I thank the Universe that I am! 

Now, there seems to be some sort of unwritten rule that when you get into a relationship, friendship rules no longer apply the way they used to when you were single. I don’t know who made it up but I’m certainly NOT here for it. (I’m not speaking about all of my friends here I’m generalising. But if the shoe fits lace it up and wear it honey!)  

When you are single your friends are your priority. You plan everything with them and for them but suddenly, when you find a significant other by default, they become your priority and you can no longer give as much time to your friends as before. That bit I kinda get. What I don’t get is how those friends in relationships, expect to still be the top priority in your life, even though you are no longer theirs.  

A good friend of mine put it like this “If I am single, relaxing alone, busy pottering around or running errands, I’m being selfish. Yet If I’m pottering around the house with my boyfriend that’s an acceptable excuse to cancel plans”. 

Men somehow, always manage to make everything about them! I can’t believe that in 2020 we are still living in patriarchy. 

Accountability and expectation tie hand in hand in life: generally - as a decent human being, as an adult and also in regards to every relationship in your life - including the one with yourself. 

When I started my journey to ‘self love’, one of the most important things I had to - and still have to do - is let go of my expectations of myself. Now don’t get me wrong, having an expectation for yourself in terms of goals and aspirations is healthy and motivating, but when you become consumed by NOT becoming the person you expected yourself to be, whether that’s at a certain age, or once you’ve graduated - that’s when it becomes toxic, self destructive and you’ll find yourself in the depths of self sabotage. 

This is where you have to become accountable for yourself and your actions. I am a Leo, I am super fiery and I have a sharp tongue -  I’m sure all of my friends at this point are nodding! - I used to have a bad habit of saying whatever came out of my mouth with no thought process, and in fairness, it still happens from time to time BUT the minute I realise I’ve said something abruptly or out if line, I am the first person to apologise. I have no pride when it comes to apologising either - I’ll apologise to a chair if I bump into it. 

Being accountable is pulling yourself up, not only for what you say and do to other people, but also how you react to yourself. I have to have words with myself on a daily basis for over reacting, mood swings, negative thoughts… the list goes on. I am human. I am allowed not to feel 100% all the time. That is NORMAL. No one is happy all the time and as we established in my first blog you can not give from a cup half empty. 

Make it clear, say how you feel, and be a good person man! 

With relationships there is, and will always be a very basic expectation that, said person will at least - answer your messages, listen to you and offer some kind of support when needed. That could be coming round;  for a tea, a wine or cuddle. Calling you up or even tagging you in a meme - 2020 guys! 

Whatever it is there will always be at least; an equal unspoken, very basic expectation of your relationship. If those expectations are not met, that’s when each person should be taking accountability for their own actions and either step up and be the person they were at the start and if they can’t be that person, then it is their responsibility to end the relationship entirely.

The problem is, we assume: we assume people will treat us how we treat them, we assume people will go out of their way for us because of whatever status they have in our lives. We assume people will never leave us and we assume people will do as they say. *cough Men cough* 

The problem is when you assume “you make an ass out of u and me” - Jerry Belson 

Yes, it is a fine, sticky line between expecting and assuming within a relationship. The main point here is to continuously be accountable for your own actions and that in itself should draw and keep the right people close to you. 

I pride myself on being a good friend. I am usually - pre Covid - a really busy person, but I do my best to check in with my friends when I can and try to arrange a meeting, even if it is in a few weeks time. 

My friends know that I am busy, but regardless, if anyone one of my friends needed me I would 100% be there! My friends are literally my whole world. I’ve selectively chosen and kept the people I have in my life so if you’ve made the cut, congratulations! Your prize? Me! - Just kidding - Not really! :P

Society’s pressure on relationships 

In Florence Given’s book ‘Women don’t owe you pretty’ - which I urge every human being to read! - She explains how “a woman’s relationship status is actually the least interesting thing about her”. Yet society would deem you successful based on your relationship status. How crazy is that. 

We are conditioned from a child that the ultimate goal in life is marriage, it’s in our story books, on television, it’s everywhere! - That is heterosexual marriage. - LGBT marriage is still a taboo subject to some, and interracial marriages have only (in the last few years) become acceptable to society. I don’t get why people can’t mind their own damn business and let people live their lives!  

This also relates to the fact that society wants you to be married and have children, but if you are a stay at home Mum then you’re lazy, but if you have a full time job a husband and children you are a workaholic! It’s like listening to Boris’s guidelines for Covid 19! 

People are going to judge you no matter what you do, so do what you want! Might as well give them something to talk about! 

No matter which way you look at it, the patriarchal standards for what is deemed as successful always leave women with the short straw. 

If you are a single man you are desired and worshiped by other men; a ‘bachelor’. Being a single female, you are referred to as a ‘spinster’ or questioned “what’s wrong with you?” Whats wrong with me? … boundaries and standards that’s what, hun! 

I do acknowledge there is more pressure on men to be the breadwinner and make a certain figure salary by a certain age then, eventually, share that with a significant other. 

Men don’t however get the fertility pressure…  Some women don’t want children, has anybody thought of that? … Some people don’t want a little screaming gremlin! - (Just to clarify I would like children one day but if that doesn’t happen, I’ll adopt or foster!)

There is NO right way to do anything in life. There is a quote from Buddha that says ‘the opposite of what you know is also true’. 

Advice 

This will come as a shock to most people…  Some times your advice aka opinion isn’t wanted. - I said it! - I used to be a huge culprit for this, up until last month in fact! 

Telling your single friends ‘the right one will come along’, is not what we want, or need to hear and highlights the fact again, that a man is a prize or the key to happiness! *eye roll*

Toxic positivity is a real thing. If someone is having a hard time, for whatever reason, telling them to ‘just think positively’ isn’t helpful. 

We are human, we all feel emotion. Some days are just better than others. - My favourite quote that I drop on a regular is ‘You would never appreciate the sunshine without the rain’ - Sherisse. 

The best thing you can ever do for someone, is to just listen. "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." -Stephen R. Covey.

We know you are coming from a good place, we really do, but you don’t need to fix our problem and definitely do not offer to help unless, you 100% can. As we’ve clarified in the past, it has to come from a genuine place otherwise you’ll resent it and possibly leave the other person feeling worse. 

To summarise, to your single friend you are everything. You may have found a significant other that is now your first priority and that’s ok but don’t forget, even though you are now someones ‘other half’ to your best friend, you were and still are a whole. 

The love between friends is so strong, Your friends should be your ride or dies, the people you call when you need to vent, or have a problem, best of all the people you celebrate with. 

Boyfriends come and go  and even if you do get married, it’s just never completely certain. The divorce rate was up 42% in 2019! The point is, through all the heartbreaks, the highs and lows, it’s our friends who are with us every step of the way. 

Regardless of your relationship status you will ALWAYS need friends, so don’t forget them!

As a single friend I am happy to plan your engagements, baby shower’s and hen do’s. All I ask is instead of saying you’ll plan mine when the time comes - because being single since basically forever it doesn’t look like that’s happening anytime soon. Just a message or a quick call every now and again, or even arranging a meet up is enough. 

All we ask - as the single friend -  is to be seen and heard because well, we love you so much, we just want to feel loved too as we don’t have a partner to feel our love returned. 

As a human if we can do and be anything, be kind, be accountable and know your boundaries. 

You have to love yourself enough to always know your worth.

I am by no means perfect, I am still learning and growing.

I am, and will always be committed to becoming the best person I can be!

You are powerful. 

You are strong. 

You are beautiful.

You are worthy of your dreams. 

Always remember to love yourself! As Ru Paul says “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”